Funnies of the Week

Funnies #1

The Mechanic was clearing the back lane of our house of some rubbish when my neighbor called out to him.

Didn’t know what the elderly lady wanted, he walked to the window to speak to her.

She passed him some bread. She thought he was some DBKL sweeper, sweeping the back alley of our houses. We laughed till our stomach ached when he informed us of the incident.

Apparently, the old lady couldn’t remember who is who in our house. She even mistaken Gas Stove of being the younger sis and kept asking her why she is not in school on a Sunday.

Funnies #2

In the office on Friday, there was a strange ringing tone in the office, emitting from unknown colleague’s cubicle.

“Namo amitabha…. Namo amitabha…. Namo Namo….”

Geez! I wonder who on earth would select such ringing tone for their phones!! I told myself.

The ringing tone then went dead.

10 seconds later…

“Namo amitabha…. Namo amitabha…. Namo Namo….”

Geez! Will that someone please pick up the phone!

Then, it went dead.

A few minutes later, I checked my phone for any missed calls. There were two missed calls. It was the Monk. I forgot I assigned that ringing tone to him.

Funnies #3

On Sunday, I cooked for the family dinner. Well, not really cooking. It involved some reheating of dishes as well as making simple dishes like cucur udang and meatballs soup with seaweed.

As my aunt was frying some fried chicken, my mom who just came back from taking the kids out for swimming, she said, “Eh. .. bring some soup for us.”

My aunt: It’s not ready yet. Wait, we need to fry some garlic to add to the soup.

Mom: Can use the fried onions instead. I have stock.

Me: I think the soup would taste better with garlic.

Aunt: Yeah, I will get the garlic for you.

A minute later.

Mom: Can take the soup for us?

Aunt: Just give us a few minutes!

A minute later…

Mom: Where is the soup?

My aunt rolled her eyes then looked at me and said, “Ignore her.”

A minute later…

Mom: Soup leh, ah?

Remember the post on her being naggy?

We quickly find another wok to sautée the garlic to stop her from being naggy.

Same Old Friend

It was in 1998 when I met the Pliot. We hooked up from the popular IRC. That time, I didn’t own a mobile phone. He would call me at my house number. It still amazes me till today how we survived our earlier young adult years without the luxury of a mobile phone.

We got friendly after the first few chats. He was down in the dumps with his so-called girlfriend. She wasn’t really his girlfriend at that point of time; they were going out casually with the girl treating him like a door mat.

I didn’t like to see how he was treated by the so called girlfriend. Even though we just got to know each other briefly, I always believe everyone should be treated with sense of decency. I was there for him to pour out his disgruntle feelings and grief.

I couldn’t remember where we went during our first meeting. But I remember I got this short layered hair, face full of pimples though I was 20 kgs lighter at that point of time. I was very self conscious. I knew from experience that no one would want to see me again after meeting me, even with my gregarious and fun persona online and in reality. Well, it’s their loss actually. I am glad he called me again after our meeting.

He would call me before his flight and when he came back from his duty. It’s like a round-the-clock thingy. Common friends who got to know him later would check with me before they organize any outings. We had a blast. The endless clubbing and playing pool, foosball, dancing, mamak till morning, short trips, booze parties, crashing people’s parties, how he met my other friends for the first time in shorts in Bravo (Hahaha! We just went to a friend’s place for swimming) etc. I developed a major crush on him. Well, it bound to happen if we keep spending enormous amount of time with a particular person, no matter how hard we control ourselves.

Things turned to slow down when the so-called girlfriend came back to him. That time, they were already serious as he did not forget her and was longing for her all these while. During his absence, I plod along this life, gaining new friends along the way and started working permanently. After awhile, I got a call at 3 am from him, saying he did the worse thing that one could have done. He betrayed her with another woman.

After a few frantic pacifying calls and a few weeks trying to redeem himself, he announced that they were getting married. I attended the wedding. Deep down in my heart, I knew it wouldn’t last but I held my peace and prayed my instincts were wrong.

Unfortunately, my instincts were right. The union lasted merely 2 years (more like 6 months of normalcy, and 18 months of hell) with 2 children, excessive emotional baggage, which led to a very ugly divorce.

10 years ago, as we were laying idle basking in the hot sun in Port Dickson with the least of care and worry, who would have thought all these unhappy things would happen.

Today, as we sat at Dome, reminiscing the good old time; I noticed we have both grown so much. I’ve outgrown my silliness, hot temperamental, self consciousness and developed better self control. He, despite having to go through such difficult divorce, is taking everything in his stride. He is still as flirty as ever and how I miss that sharp sarcasm wit.

We talked about his children and mine (those trolls my mom baby sits), bitching about our common friends, politics, share market, mortgages and family. I sincerely pray that things would get better after this for him. I hope he could still find the same old friend in me, as he always has, and how he has been the same old friend to me.

Old Friends On A Trip

On Monday, my aunt was invited to go on a one-day trip with 37 other aunties and 3 uncles. Those aunties and uncles were hawkers and business traders selling noodles, chap fan, chee cheong fan, rojak, eggs, groceries, etc in the Selayang morning market and they organized a one-day trip of chill out with their peers. Someone joked that since there were 40 of them leaving their stalls for the day, many people wouldn’t have breakfast that Monday morning.

Since I was on leave, coincidentally and not having much to do, I decided to accompany my aunt and probably take the new camera out for a test.

We were early to arrive at the designated spot for pick up near our house. However, there was one aunty selling rojak, still had not arrived even though we waited for her for 30 minutes.

Chaos broke when some older aunties were whining having to wait for this irresponsible rojak auntie.

“Can someone please call her?” one auntie whined.

“She doesn’t have a handphone lah!” the organizer said.

Everyone was finger pointing at whoever invited this irresponsible rojak auntie. After 30 minutes of waiting, some of the people in the bus were already restless. Some went out to get fresh air, some went home to collect some stuffs they forgotten (within walking distance) and some even walked to the nearby market to have breakfast.

When the rojak auntie finally showed up, she mentioned there is another auntie who hadn’t turned up yet. She borrowed a motorbike from other colleagues in the market and rode to fetch the one who was left behind. There went another 15 minutes of our time.

In the end, when the rojak auntie finally came with the other culprit who caused the delay, my aunt and I were surprised that she happened to be one of my relatives. Aiyoh! Really sia sui man!

Even with 45 minutes of waiting, everyone brighten up and couldn’t wait for an adventure for the day.

We were brought to one herbal factory in Sungai Buloh to try out the ginseng coffee. It was a centre selling Chinese herbs health products. Well, I wasn’t even keen in buying health products as I always think they are nothing but overly marketed high priced grass or roots, which some of them were not even scientifically proven to have medicinal properties. And they have weird names too. Lots of semen!

After having some fried meehoon and endless coffee and shopping, we headed for the chocolate factory in Serdang. When we arrived, the girl who always conducts a briefing session and brings guests around the factory had gone out for early break. I was a little pissed with the guide who didn’t even bother to ring up the owner that we were coming.

There was one person in charge there – who claimed that, the girl that went to have her brunch is her staff, is clueless on how to bring a bunch of 40+ aunties to show them around the factory. We did a brief walk within the compound of the factory to check out how chocolates are being made. I think I would appreciate if I could stay longer to read or perhaps, having a pamphlet on how chocolates are being manufactured would be great. Since we were not allowed to take pictures, being a rebel, I whipped out my handphone to snap some pics discreetly.

Being somewhat pissed, I didn’t bother to buy any chocolates from them. Further, this factory bears the name of my previous ex boss who is conniving, stupid and mentally unstable. I don’t want to have anything to do with the name, seriously.

We then headed for a visit at another factory in Puchong which distributes sea cucumber and other seafood. We were greeted by the lady owner of the company and fried meehoon, fried rice and bottomless coffee and tea made of sea cucumber were served. The guy wore a tie while serving meehoon to the aunties. Haha! He is quite cute. Hmmph!

Sea Cucumber

I was wondering, how would there be a manufacturing company of seafood in the middle of the city. Manufacturing companies should be located near the sea in order to have fresh sea produce. I was right. We were led into the big freezer to have a look. I was disappointed again that, we were not shown how the sea produce was being packed. Eh, if I wanna see a freezer, I might as well stick my head into my own home’s fridge.

Genitilia Looking Sea Snails

There was a shopping frenzy of sea produce after the big freezer visit. Since everything seemingly overpriced and some looking like reproductive organs and genitals, I didn’t buy anything. My aunt bought some abalone. I snapped some pics discreetly as no camera was allowed.

Next stop is Sau Seng Lum Dialysis & Rehabilitation centre in Puchong. This is a place where the underprivileged could get dialysis and stroke rehabilitation for free. It is set up by fellow Buddhists to help those who could not afford to pay for their medical fees. It was indeed a good way of contributing to the society. All donations would be channel directly to the centre’s running costs. We did not visit the patients though. We were there to admire the 501 arhats, donated by public as well as being conserved by the founder to exhibit to public at no admission costs.

Amoeba looking lotus

We were to contribute at our will for things in the temple, like perhaps, buying a lotus and took a path of cleansing in the centre to purify our souls and pray that our wishes come true. As usual, I would pray for good health and safety for my family and friends.

We were then lead to a big room with 251 arhats in it. There were collected over the years by the grand master of this association, some were being donated by public. The place was very well maintained and we were not allowed to snap pictures inside. This is the only time I heed advice not to snap pictures. You will never know what pics you might take if you did go against advice of not taking pictures at holy places.

In another room, there are also another 250 arhats, hence they called the place, House of 501 “lohans” (No, not the accident prone singer/actress) or arhats. If you don’t know what arhats are, here’s the link.

After the fruitful visit, we adjourned to the new shopping haven in Kelana Jaya, the Niu Ze Xui. They want to make this place equivalent to the one in Singapore. It was situated in some secluded spot behind Kelana Jaya LRT station. I still don’t know how to get there if you ask me. So damn confusing. Give this place another year or two, I think it would probably turn into something like the Curve. I like the layout of the shops and stalls. They reminded me of Chiang Mai’s Kerala’s Night Bazaar. It’s windy and airy. Quite a comfortable place to walk about but, unfortunately, it is not fully occupied yet. I guess this would be the next popular hang out place in years to come.

We ended the day with a nice dinner in a restaurant in Puchong. Despite the much dreaded endless karaoke sessions in the bus, with the blasting of volume above permitted decibels (at least it masked my snoring when I was napping in the bus), the aunties are quite friendly lot. They helped each other, holding hands while crossing the road and helping each other up the bus. I long for the day when I am old and gray, I would still have the strength to go on short trip like this one, and have a group of friends to look out for each other. And I am glad to be able to spend some quality time with my aunt.

P.S. For more pics, please click here.

Taking Leave

As my boss is the final person to approve leave of some people in the company, I usually would come across quite a few hilarious reasons to take leave. I mean, not the reasons that are funny, just the way they word their reasons are pretty hilarious.

To me, I find annual leave is an entitlement. There is no need to mention reasons, unless you took emergency leave or you had finished your allocated leave before the year ends.

I came across a funny reason to take leave today.

“Long appointment with dentist. Major repair work required.”

Lol! The project manager must be thinking of his work when he was applying his leave.

My boss’ driver is very fond of putting this in every leave application form.

“Untuk beristirehat.” (Malay: to rest and relax)

A few weeks ago, his reason was:-

“Untuk berehat dan menenangkan fikiran.” (Malay: To rest and to calm the mind. Haha! I didn’t know being a driver have to think that much)

One of the managers is very detailed about taking his annual leave that he had to attach flight details to his application form.

I saw his reason to take annual leave.

“To take my wife for a much deserving holiday to Cambodia.”

Have you come across any funny way of wording reasons to take leave?

Shopping Coupons, Blue Sea & Ox Cart

I was shopping in Jaya Jusco and found I was in a bargain lane. There were signs everywhere showing 30%, 50% and 70% off. I was delighted to see everything offered was at already dirt cheap prices and I would be getting them at another 50% off since I am a member.

However, when I was about to make payment for a facial wash at RM1.14 and some smaller items which I could not recall now, there was a notification mentioning that I must have coupons in order to get those discounts. As I walked around to look for coupons, I bumped into two newly found friends in Chiang Mai and they gave me a stack of discount coupons. Before I thank them, I flipped through the coupons and found that they were expired.

“1992!!!! Eh, brother! Now it’s 2008 lah!” I shrieked.

“Can still use one.. they are not bothered about the dates! We tried before!” exclaimed Yip.

“Okay… I will try,” I said in doubt.

As I was nearing the payment counter, I decided to forget about it and walked out from the departmental store without paying a cent, which I did and narrowly escaped getting caught from the guards when another friend appeared out of nowhere, informed the guards that I didn’t pay for the goods. I was very angry with the friend and chose to walk away and refused to talk to her. There.. I committed a crime in a semi conscious state.

After the shopping, I packed for a holiday and was promised by the agent of a room with the best view. The hotel is new and smack right in the middle of white sandy beach overlooking a vast blue sky and a sea in different shades of turquoise.

As I was walking into the room, I was delighted to find that it was actually built on a tree, I could safely say it’s a tree house, with only leaves from the trees as shades from the hot glaring sun and blue gauze-like see-through curtains as partition. There were pristine white beds and pillows with flowers strewn all over the place, making it look like a romantic get-away heaven! As I was sighing with appreciation, three hunky white men walked into the room and I thanked the Lord that my prayers were answered (and I thought I was an atheist!).

Bad news though. The quaint little romantic room was not assigned to me. My room is somewhere in the middle of the hotel and I had to pack my bags to find the room. As I walked towards the so called best room, I was shocked that it was actually still under renovation, with pipes leaking everywhere and glass panel half completed. I was cursing at the agent and was on a mad rampage.

As I walked out from the room, I was shocked to find that the entire beach view was no longer there. I was surrounded by Chinese cemetery. Who in the world would plan a holiday, and stay in a hotel in the middle of a cemetery?

The cemetery was on a hill and it was huge. As I resigned to my fate – no hunky men as roommates in the quaint romantic room with pristine white bed sheet and flowers, I laid myself on an ox cart facing the sky with my bunch of regular traveling companions. There was a guy friend who was lying next to me, spoke into my ears but I couldn’t hear a word he said.

Then I woke up. Another exhausting dream, getting nowhere.

Naggy

Some friends complained I am too naggy. I think I know where I get my naggy genes from. It’s from my mother.

Today during lunch…

Mom: Remember to tell your colleague, I put the “fatt choy” too early to stir fried with the vegetables. So it’s blackish now. Very unsightly. Tell her very sorry.

*My colleague pays my mom to have home cooked food from Monday to Friday.

Me: Okay.

Mom: The fatt choy ah.. aiyah.. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t put in too early. See what it has turned into!! All black!

Me & sister: MMmm….

Mom: Tell her ah, very pai seh lah. The black thing is fatt choy you know. Tell her don’t be alarm. It’s only fatt choy. I put too early just now.

I am already starting to count how many times she will make the same remark.

Mom: Remember ahh…. Tell your colleague ah it’s fatt choy….

Me: How many times you want to repeat the same thing? *very annoyed*

Sis: I think till we get into the car and she will ask us to wind up window and repeat the same thing over and over again.

Mom: I worry you forget mah. Remember to tell her ya.. the black thing is fatt choy….

My sister and I grunted and continued eating lunch.

So, as for the friends who complained I am too naggy, sorry about that. You won’t hear me nagging anymore as I am aware how annoying it can be.

P.S. I am seriously suffering from pre-mature aging. I am naggy and being called an auntie a few days ago in the supermarket. Sigh.

Sigh, Keanu

I went to watch a movie last night, Street Kings with a mental picture of Keanu Reeves in a hot body and clean shaven face. He was a bit thin in Constantine but that doesn’t stop me from ogling at him. He is so damn hot. I could watch Constantine many times over and over again and could even remember some of the lines. (He’s even hotter in Matrix trilogy and the Lakehouse with Sandra Bullock)

I like this part in Constantine:-

Satan: Sonny, I’ve got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Well, aren’t you a peach?

Street Kings was an utter let down. Instead of looking fabulous, Keanu is ravaged by time. Even though he appeared to be somewhat buff in this movie, he looked old and fat. First thing I noticed is, his oval face with distinctive jawline is no longer there and there was a slight double chin. Perhaps the make-up artist for this movie should be fired for this.

Keanu aside, the movie is filled with the F-word, so you get those brainless censor board butchered the entire movie till you don’t even know what the conversation was all about. Forrest Whitaker was reduced to being Jack Wander, the power hunger Police Chief-to-be and his lines were entirely comical and not to mention, made him looked rather stupid. He’s not suited for a comedy role, seriously.

You have the cute guy who played Aidan in Sex & the City as one of the detectives (John Corbett). I think there was also a lady who played Tia Dalma aka Calypso in Pirates of the Caribbean (Naomie Harris). Chris Evans also starred as Detective Discant aka Disco. I was thinking where have I seen this dude before and, found out he was in the Rise of the Silver Surfer as the Human Torch Guy aka Johnny Storm. And you have this, annoying Dr House (Hugh Laurie) playing an equally annoying role as Captain James Biggs.

With the star studded cast, one would expect lots of blood (yes!) and intelligent one liners like the Godfather.. but no. SIGH.

The plot is predictable. The dialogues got heavily butchered. There is no intelligent one liner, forgettable script. There was an idiot kicking the chair next to mine every half hour. I couldn’t suppress my worsening cough. Worst of all, Keanu looks old and fat. Sigh.

I guess I probably would get the DVD to catch up with the butchered conversation. Again, I probably would not.

Hello, Auntie!

Yesterday, while my sister and I were doing some marketing at the supermarket, an old lady in her late 50s with a head full of white hair approached us.

“Auntie!”

My sister and I looked at each other and went on to choose some ginger.

“Auntie ah!”

Then we followed the sound from our back and saw the old lady.

“Auntie, can you help me to see this bread ah? When is the expiry date?”

I was already offended when she called me auntie and she had to repeat it so many times.

“Your head is full of white hair and have a wrinkly face like an old prune and you dare to call the young, vivacious ladies, Auntie???!! Where is your common sense???!!!”

Of course I didn’t say that. I respect senior citizen, irregardless how annoying they are at times.

I hesitantly pointed to the tag and told her, 12th April.

She walked away after saying thank you.

I looked at my sis and started to bitch away.

“Yao mou kao chor??? Call us auntie! She is already has 1/3 of her body in coffin and she calls us auntie!”

Of course I didn’t say such words lah. My heart cursed silently only. Actually, my aunt once told me – the coffin contains dead people and not old people. I am merely expressing contempt. Geram betul.

As we were lining up to get some freebies at the Customer Service counter, there she was again. She slowly flipped her purse open and I saw a picture of her when she was young. You know, those very nicely studio pictures like my mom’s.

I guess not everyone would grow old gracefully. Some people just cannot accept growing old.

My dad, too. Once he went to have his passport photographs taken, he scolded the photographer for taking such an old picture of him and he insisted the person in the photo is not him. He didn’t know and couldn’t accept that he had aged so much.

Seriously, I have no problem if children calling me auntie, but not by someone who is older than me by a quarter century!

And come to think of it, I did very auntie things too – shopping for groceries and comparing prices.. and buying things to get some freebies like getting bowls or glasses. Omigod! Memang Auntie! Actually, I cannot blame her entirely also. Both of us were wearing our uniform which look like pajamas.

My Ways of Spending Sundays

Difference between 60 sen and 30 sen karipap

1. Meet up friends to gossip. Spent unnecessarily on expensive food at restaurants which don’t give free water. Ta pao a dozen of Big Apple Donuts.
2. Go for late breakfast (I damn love the salmon!) at Coffee Bean, get refills of coffee and gossip till free coffee period is over. Watch a movie.
3. Go on photobug and makan trip.
4. Cleaning up my pig sty (room). Ugh! This happens once every two months or depending on how thick the dust is or when I couldn’t find my things.
5. Meals and gossip sessions at Datin’s.
6. Long afternoon nap (without interruption from noisy children) after heavy and scrumptious lunch prepared by mom.
7. Lying flat on the bed with a good book then dozing off after one page. Wake up, read and doze off. Repeat that 5x.
8. Visit friends at home and parasite on their or their mom’s cooking.
9. Have a cook out at friend’s place, watch some DVD.
10. My favorite – Waking up early, wanting to go for a morning walk but secretly hoping it rains. Think of my aching knee and decide not to go. Go back to sleep. Boil a pot of black Aik Cheong Coffee. Drink 5 cups till gastric juice oozing out. Have the best nasi lemak in Selayang. Remain vegetative in front of the tv for 5 solid hours.

I am a super lazy person.

It’s A Small World

Friend: Wah. Small World. My colleague said that guy in the other group to Chiang Mai trip is her bro in law!

A few minutes later.

Friend: I some more say he is lan si!

Hahahah!

Coincidence? Well, it’s really a small world out there.

My sis’ schoolmate bad mouthed about her (my sis) to one of her work colleagues whom she just met. She didn’t know that the work colleague, is my brother. Lol!

I once dated a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years and while he was telling me all his soppy stories, he showed me picture of his ex. She happened to be my classmate and I told him quite casually that she just borrowed my notes yesterday and I hoped she would returned it.

The nasty looking lady (yes, attitude equally nasty, too!) running one of the many Chinese medicinal shops in my neighbourhood happened to be aunt to the nasty looking colleague (yeah, she’s quite a bitch as well) in my office. I didn’t know nastiness is genetical? No prize for guessing I am NEVER a patron in her shop.

I met a guy from Port Dickson and he happened to be the brother of Ann’s school mate who used to tease her incessantly in school.

I made some friends from Bahau during Interact Club yesteryears and I got to know another friend some 15 years later, from the same school whom I haven’t met at all. Both of us knew the guy who died in a car crash at tender age.

I met Datin three years ago on the internet and he happened to be classmate of my internet friend, Vincent who studied in Coventry, and they haven’t met for more than 10 years till we hooked up when Vincent made a short trip back from Hong Kong.

Carol was one of Datin’s client when he was still with the company selling advertorial pictures.

There was this very, very good looking guy who worked in the same office building as I was. The girls used to swoon over him whenever he walked past us during lunch time. Two years later, he dropped by my office, seeking for some corporate advice and ended up as my client. And, Datin used to hang out at his video store in Hartamas and rented DVDs from him! Menggatal lah, Datin! Lol!

Bee Stung Lips, Chris, Sam and I met at Bar Fly. Bee Stung Lips happened to give tuition to Chris’ sister some 10 years ago and they haven’t seen each other since, and had a surprise reunion at Bar Fly.

Bee Stung Lips hangs out with a group of very pretty ah lians and one of them is my beautician and also my sister’s ex classmate. Lol.

A friend happened to interview another friend’s new boyfriend at his office and he didn’t get the job.. and I got to know that as well. *Cringe*

Jokes aside, I did meet some common friends in funeral before – of totally not connected friends. You will never know. It’s really creepy. So, be careful with who you bitch about to. It would be some day, somehow, you would be surprised and hope the earth would open up and swallow you alive!