2 Million Dollars Pubic Hair

I was a wife with 3 children. Very cute children, if I may add. I had a Mat Salleh husband. (Every Asian girls’ dreams? Well, not all perhaps – but I am sure most of my ex classmates in Convent do). I worked from home, trading online of paraphernalia of movie stars or rock stars.

I couldn’t recall the singer who had caused all the chaos in an otherwise perfectly normal family. (Well, come to think of it – 3 adorable kids, a Mat Salleh husband and working at home.. is not normal – it’s too good to be true!)

I have a biography book autographed by this particular rock star. To make things even more interesting, he gave me a strand of his pubic hair as remembrance. The whole internet raved about it. It wasn’t that bad till the rock star suddenly died. You know how things go when a famous person dies? Most of his things would be auction off to the highest bidder.

Interest and enquiries poured in for the pubic hair. Seriously, if the pubic hair is worth so much, why couldn’t the coroner remove all from the dead rock star during autopsy to make a quick buck? There would be plenty of pubic hairs to go around. This singer had a particularly long pubic hair! And it’s not curly, it’s straight!

Things turned nasty when I met up with few potential buyer of the book AND the pubic hair. I find that the book with the pubic hair could fetch at least USD2 million dollars. I was almost assassinated when I went out to discuss a deal. I found myself running away from those people in the highly impact chase-and-run ala Hollywood style. I even stopped by to talk to a white girl, who asked me questions on company secretarial matters. Don’t ask me how it came about – but I sort of suddenly told myself I should get back to this line. Whispers of the subconscious mind?

When I got home, the whole house was in a mess. My three children were interrogated by Mat Salleh husband because he wanted to know where I have kept the book with the pubic hair. In fact, I did a brilliant thing by sewing it into his unused Mercedes Benz’s boot. Like they say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

I didn’t what has got into him that he had to threaten the children. I was furious and vowed to avenge this. Then I took the kids swimming at my backyard pool to help them to forget the incident. The children kept complaining to me about how their dad hit them as they donned on their swimsuits. There was sand all over their faces and hands, which showed that they were thrown into their sandbox while he was lashing at them.

As I was scheming and plotting; thinking of ways to get back at him, the alarm clock rang.

Damn. Another weird and unfinished dream.

Big Ear

Why you so big ear?? (Direct translation from Cantonese meaning – why are you so careless?)

I was just mocking a mangkok friend who lost her car because she didn’t lock her car properly and another friend who dropped her boarding pass while we were in Phnom Penh airport last year.. Guess karma had run its course once again, unfailingly.

I lost my identity card and my car license – just the moment I bragged about how nice I looked in both photos.. Shit!!!!!

That is the problem with girls. We always change our purses/hand bags as if we were runway models. I don’t have such habit of changing bags whenever I go out until recently. There are too many bags in the house (from my numerous trips) and mom’s been nagging us for not using them, I tried to mix and match my bags whenever I go out. I searched all the bags that I had used the past few weeks and couldn’t find them. I didn’t even step out from the house, apart from going to work the entire last week. How could this happen??

I was preparing to go out for dinner with Hot Momma Sharon just now when I couldn’t locate the ic and the license in my purse – together with my USD20, the contact number of my tow truck driver and a Buddha’s amulet given by my friend who went to Australia to pursue her studies some 8 years ago. I had to cancel my curry mee dinner. Sigh! Maybe it’s a divine sign to ask me to go on a diet? Hhmph?

I hope I accidentally dropped it in office’s drawer as usual. I went to office just now but it was closed. I think I will interrogate Sasha later. She has history of hiding my spectacles for 2 weeks before.

Wish me luck tomorrow. Keeping fingers crossed the damn thing is in office. I am so anxious now. The agony! Shit!

Love Makes You Smile.. A Lot

A conversation with an old IRC friend last night sent me to bed giggling to myself.

Fibi Work so hard but no money!: hey
me: hi
FWSHBN$: gina, i wanna tell u something
me: oh ok
me: tell me what?

FWSHBN$: oh yesterday went to eat dry pan mein
me: oh.. what about it?
me: long time i no go eat liao

FWSHBN$: tat 2 brothers…
me: the morons
FWSHBN$: the younger one got galfren oredi
me: what?
me: lol
me: i tot what big news you want to tell me
me: lol

FWSHBN$: he was smiling whole day
me: lurrveeeeeeeeeeeeeee
FWSHBN$: till i call him few times to collect money…. he forgot

me: love makes you smile a lot
me: lol

FWSHBN$: then he walk to us like soh lou (idiot)
FWSHBN$: like pai seh pai seh
FWSHBN$: oh myyyyyyyyyyyyy

me: oi
FWSHBN$: then he sit next to the gal.. drink soup together
me: ppl first time in love lah
me: kasi chance lah sikit

FWSHBN$: hahahh but very farneeeeee
FWSHBN$: tat gal quite sweet

me: pretty ah?
me: wah lao

FWSHBN$: she was helping out at the stall

me: i think maybe that soh lou see pretty girl
me: put some jampi in her pan mein
me: then she fell in love with him
me: lol

FWSHBN$: hahhaha
FWSHBN$: maybe
FWSHBN$: he was smiling non stop….

me: lol
me: i think i will make a trip there this weekend to see it for myself

FWSHBN$: then one auntie ask him… why today so happy???? see u smilling all the wayyyyy
FWSHBN$: he said… ohh … ohh… chinese new year coming mahhh

me: quite penipu also ah that guy
me: hahahaha
me: but the elder moron is better looking worr
me: hahaha
me: fibi, you can try your luck lah
me: owner of the best pan mein in KL, and probably PJ leh
me: you jiak beh liao (hokkien: you will be well taken care of the rest of your life)
me: lol


Singled Out

The most dreadful thing that could happen to any employee while working in this patriotic company (Yes, we have assembly once a month, we sing Negaraku, some patriotic songs, company song and yeah – we have the ikrar as well!) is, having an open dialogue lunch with the Managing Director.

I dreaded it because this time, we even have the trouble maker in our midst. The one that has nothing better to do in office, always trying to find faults with others and treat fellow colleagues as if they were idiots.

It was really surprising that she wasn’t her moronic self today e.g. making irrational statements which made her look like she bloody own the company or think that she is the sole policy maker in the office. (She is merely a clerk – all talk and not performing one, for goodness’ sake. Yeah. You read this correctly.) Instead, she sucked up to the boss and kissed his ass unashamedly in front of all colleagues.

The prep talk is to let us know that we should be loyal to the company, there are many chances of promotion (but you work here for 10 freaking years first lah), working for 10 hours a day will guarantee your promotion (like I give a flying fuck about promotion), working 10 hours a day meaning you are hardworking and very loyal to the company (not taking into consideration that if you work within stipulated time, means you actually know how to prioritize and work efficiently?), wives should be the one sending children to school and not men (I don’t know what he supposed to do if the employee is a single father or maybe worse, a widower?), single ladies should travel more (referring to going to site visits – I don’t understand what the fuck for) and the only single lady on the table of 15 just now – is me. As if single ladies have no life or old parents to take care or no commitment at all and must be treated like a robot. I never felt so discriminated.

Seriously speaking, if you want to know how the company policy is acceptable or not, probably you should have a written survey and everything should be treated with high confidentiality. And what is the point of telling all and yet no action has been taken to mitigate the problem?

Typical Chinaman company. Hhmph.

Throwing a Party

Do you know how troublesome it is to throw a party?

The list of invitees, logistics, food, booze, parking space, finances, etc. It’s an event management by itself!

I used to throw parties the last two years due to discounts given by the company that I worked with to rent apartments. Got it dirt cheap and we could just trash the apartment with our booze parties. But now, since I have changed job, I had to give up that privilege as well. *Sigh*

For the past few years or birthdays of friends’, I am the one dominating the arrangements – where to eat, who to invite, etc. Usually, the birthday boy or girl would name their favorite restaurants and choose a date, and e-mails would be sent to all invitees and we will congregate to celebrate with him/her.

So now, it’s time for people to arrange for me, since it is my birthday. It’s about 3 weeks away from today.

Due to my overwhelming variety of friends – too many of them: the internet, the ex colleagues and other friends I picked up from gym, the streets, travels, etc. it can be quite challenging to arrange for my birthday party.

Ms Lactose – God bless her soul, tried really hard to convince me to have a booze party in Melaka for the weekend. Since it’s near Chinese New Year, it is very unlikely that anyone to drive all the way there to get pissed drunk. They have better things to do. I doubt they would turn up. I told her not to even think about it.

She has some corporate rates for hotels but they are at the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur. I think the last thing people would want is to drive all the way to Bangi or Dengkil to get pissed drunk? Might as well go Melaka, right?

Then, she suggested a picnic at Titiwangsa in the afternoon. A PICNIC????? For someone with overactive sweat glands????

LOL. I declined politely, albeit being quite hysterical about it at first.

I asked Cili Padi for advice. Knowing me, Cili Padi told me something that made me laugh like a hyena in the office.

[16:09] Cili Padi: let them arrange for u once
[16:10] Cili Padi: pls do
[16:10] Cili Padi: n when u do dun be like tun mahathir
[16:10] Cili Padi: go n shoot the organiser down like anything
[16:10] Cili Padi: keep n eye open n the other close
[16:10] Cili Padi: just enjoy the moment
[16:11] Cili Padi: unless the entire party sucks
[16:11] Cili Padi: then u say something
[16:12] me: lol
[16:12] me: you make it sound like i am a dictator
[16:12] me: lol
[16:13] Cili Padi: laugh lar…. true
[16:13] Cili Padi: u r not but in the eye of others u might be
[16:13] Cili Padi: cos u r a perfectionist

Wah lao. It’s so hard to please a woman, especially myself.

I think, I prefer a small and quiet gathering (don’t laugh, Goldfish!) with close friends over a scrumptious dinner anytime. Anyway, it’s only a birthday. No biggie. And it’s quite depressing turning 31 this year. LOL.