Encounter with the Unknown

This afternoon in office, I went upstairs to send some documents and the secretary halted me to tell me stories when I asked how was she feeling.

Since she came back from Shanghai in June, she had been plagued by health problems. Almost half of her tour mates suffered the same. One guy went into a coma immediately after he came back from the trip. Another person was involved in a car accident as soon as he gotten home from the trip. Several travel mates were in a daze for a few weeks.

A lady who shared a room with 2 others while being in Shanghai bumped into the unknown. She wore sweaters when she went to sleep. The next morning she woke up, her sweater was laid by her bedside. She was puzzled and asked if her room mate made fun of her and took off her sweater as she was sleeping like a log. The room mates denied having done so.

Someone told me this story before. A friend actually almost suffocated in her sleep when the unknown tried to pull off her sweater over her head when she was asleep. The sweater simply couldn’t come off her head easily and it was left hanging there till she cried for help. The moral of the story is – wear loose sweater if you were to sleep in any hotel room!

Okay. Back to the secretary. She was hospitalized for a few days sometime in August for suspected stroke. One after another, other symptoms of different diseases came to her all at once.

While in the hospital, she kept smelling stench of something rotting (Mr Stinkee Poo didn’t visit her, if you must know). When her daughter and husband came to see her, she kept saying she smelt something foul and wondered if there was a garbage truck nearby the hospital. The husband and daughter could not smell anything, other than the usual heavily chlorinated smell of a hospital. She told her daughter to come near her body to smell the supposedly rotting smell but the daughter couldn’t smell anything.

After a few days in the hospital, she went home. Still feeling unwell, she was prone to losing her temper. She started to be anti-social and any normal chattering sound of people talking would irk her. She felt a strange heatiness attacking her body all the time.

When she was sick that weekend, she attended a cell group and her pastor was in the midst. As they pray together, the pastor sensed something was wrong. Before she went home, the pastor reminded her to come again the following week for another session of prayers. When she left, the pastor checked with the others did they smell anything funny while praying but the others did not. Strange.

The following week, she wanted to go to church but since she was still feeling weak and her husband went outstation, she didn’t go by herself. Another week passed and she wanted to go to church even if her husband again was going outstation for a job. She told herself, no matter what, she would make it to church.

When she was ready to get out from her house, her neighbour was having a party and they placed the canopy right in front of her house, blocking her car.

Another week passed and she kept telling herself she has no time to lose. During the week approaching the weekend, her aunty passed away. Since she was feeling totally unwell, her mother did not ask her to attend the funeral. She was determined to go to church no matter what.

It was then, she was hit with a severe tonsillitis. The following day, her tongue swelled up and she could not even swallow. Medication did not do her any good. She couldn’t even talk and she was crying in pain. Her husband came back and took her to the church immediately. It was already the third week since the pastor told her to come back to church.

She was sitting in the car while her worried husband went to talk to the pastor. They brought her in to the church and conducted a prayer to cleanse her. It was then she vomited everything from her guts and the stench was of rotting corpse. However, only she and the pastor could smell the rotting smell but not her husband.

She is feeling much better now.

She recalled visiting a memorial of a famous figure in somewhere in Suchou or Nanjing. She couldn’t remember where. She said they were brought into a hall and was instructed no pictures to be taken there as a sign of respect for the dead. Since she doesn’t understand Mandarin – the whole tour was conducted in Mandarin, she took picture of the statue sitting inside the memorial. It was then it hit her. She remembered taking a picture of the statue but what came out from the picture were blinding flashlights and there was nothing else.

That was why I didn’t dare to take pictures of skulls while I was at the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh as respect for the dead. I think sometimes, these spirits, already passed on due to terrible massacre, do not need the unnecessary harassment from the living.

When I heard of this story, my skin crawled. It was about 4.30 pm and the sky turned dark.

I remembered another colleague telling me about a friend who went to Bali some months ago and came back with a bulging tummy. It was not because she had a one night stand and got pregnant, seriously. Her stomach gotten bigger and bigger by the day as if she was pregnant. Upon seeing this, her friends advised her to go see a doctor. The moment she went to the hospital, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her except for this unidentified growth which is not tumor, after biopsy. From the scans, they found three growths carved with faces of men. The doctors couldn’t believe their eyes and they asked where had she been the past few months. They acknowledged this as something out of the norm. She could have done something to provoke the spirits in Bali.

Not wanting to take chances, the doctors immediately perform a surgery on her and took out 5 kgs of the growth which was green in color. Till today, they couldn’t verify what that thing was.

Sometimes, I guess, we have to learn to respect where we are visiting by doing some reading up prior to a trip, especially places in Asia. Asia is a mystical place and filled with diverse mythologies, religions and many wars histories. I guess we just have to learn to understand them and try our best not to do anything disrespectful while going on vacation. There is no such thing as it won’t happen to me because I don’t believe in it. There is always one way or another of things happening whether you believe in it or not.

Guide to Online Dating

A friend told me of the guys she met from an internet dating website. You know what they say about guys and girls on the internet. The guys are usually poorer than what they claim to be and the girls are usually older than they actually are.

Well, this post is not about the woes of internet dating. This post is about the pictures you placed on your profile in internet dating websites in order for others to check you out.

Out of curiosity to check out the members of the opposite sex, I signed up at one internet dating website and began my search. “Woman searching for Men age 33 to 36 with photos in all regions.”

Out came 34 pages of men with photos (If you notice, I didn’t mention the word – eligible and I will let you know why) and there were 510 profiles to choose from. “Plenty!” I heard you say. Listen to my story first.

When I saw the pictures posted, I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know whether to laugh at them or sympathize with them. To put it nicely, I was very amused.

I could see some people made the effort to have their photos taken in studios. At least they turned out to be decent. Some put their vacation pictures, which I think are quite alright. The not-so-decent ones – you could see them in pictures with their top taken off, some could not afford a decent hair cut, some put on pictures meant for obituaries, etc.

To those who were still wondering why nobody would want to date you even if you had paid money to the dating website, do not worry. Here are some of the examples of pictures that you should not put on your profile. If you still insist on putting, don’t blame anyone else but yourself for being dateless.

I simply don’t understand why some of these men would want to put such pictures on their profile. To illustrate, I couldn’t simply put up their pictures here. I might be sued for slander and libel. To protect their anonymity, I decided to put my non-existence drawing skills to test.

The Murderer

When anyone sees this picture, I doubt anyone would click on you. I presumed you took this picture on the day that your bitch (the dog) died and probably you just got out from prison and hastily wanted a shag but cannot afford to pay for one.

The Psycho

Only Albert Einstein looked good in this haircut. Anyone who tried to emulate Mr Einstein’s hairdo without a remarkable scientific findings is doomed to fail to get a date. With this hairstyle, probably you would die shagging a blow-up doll.

The Taliban

With this goatie and massive beard, there is a high possibility that one might mistaken you as a member of the Taliban. Nobody would want to go on a date with you and risks being frisk at the entrance of night spots.

Ah Piao in Pink

Unless you are really macho, take good care of your skin and crown as the undisputed metrosexual guy – no guys are allowed to wear pink! Or if you are a budding Hokkien singer trying to make it big, probably you may be excused but this picture can only be used on your Hokkien CD cover, not dating profile.

Hairy Rambutan

I know having a hairy chest is associated with virility in bed. Probably you would score with girls who look for FUBUs, but not girls who look for genuine relationship. Wait a minute! What real relationship??! This is what online dating is all about anyway! It’s all about getting laid! (and yes, don’t tilt your computer – the picture is really taken side ways)

Pouty Lips

Nobody should pout their lips unless they are as sexy as Mr Bee Stung Lips’. At age 36 – if you are still trying to imitate Marilyn Monroe’s famous lips, nobody would take you seriously.

There you have it. The don’ts for putting up online picture. I guess a recent picture of you on a vacation would be fine. No monkey faces. No topless picture. And for goodness’ sake, don’t try to be sexy if you are not.

Disclaimer: This post is merely for entertainment sake. The subjects mentioned may or may not exist and if they somehow represent a living person, it is purely coincidental and I feel very sorry for you being dateless but at least now, you know why.

P.S. FUBU means F*ck Buddy.

U Stin Kee Poo!

A staff in my office has a terrible case of bad breath.

Once, I just came out from the toilet and this person, let’s call him Mr Stinkee Poo came to see me. The moment he opened his mouth and started talking, I thought I smelled shit. I was alarmed and thought I didn’t wipe my ass properly. When he left, the smell lingered for awhile and then, it was gone. It was then I realized the shit smell came out from his mouth and not my ass.

Some colleagues who went out with him in his car once, had to roll down the window when he started talking. One colleague used her pencil to try to block her nostrils but was in vain. I wonder what he ate or did he not drink enough water? The moment he opens his mouth – it’s like you are talking to a rotting corpse.

As I am typing this, he’s talking to my very meek and gentle boss – Mr Beep Beep and I could even smell his “shit” about 10 feet away. I think if you were an ant, you probably thought you were locked in a gas chamber, waiting to be gassed to death.

I hope Mr Beep Beep has a nose block today. He seems to be unfazed by the stinky breath. Someone please give him a mint!

Gawd. I am gonna puke. Wa kiam tam pok beh sitt keee! (Hokkien: I almost pass out.)

Living in Fear

After returning from my trip, I was shocked by more and more news of crimes happening around my housing area in Selayang.

Every phone call seems to convey bad news.

I got a call from the Monk telling me he was almost mugged by four guys in two motorbikes. He was walking to his car in broad daylight on a very busy street in Selayang when he sensed someone was following him.

When he stopped and looked, two motorbikes were trailing behind him. One of the motorbikers was shocked when the Monk suddenly looked at them and sped off. The other motorbike approached the Monk closer.

The Monk knew that, the moment he opened his car door, the motorbikers would strike. The Monk engaged in defensive stance. The motorbikers stared at him and then looked at his lap top bag. A fleeting moment passed and the Monk was relieved when the motorbikers went away. He quickly got into his car, locked his door and drove away.

He called to warn me to be careful if I were to go anywhere near the busy street in Selayang. He was very shocked that it happened during broad day light and a big guy like him could also be a victim of snatch thief.

On the same day, the secretary to MD was robbed at her condominium. She got back home at around 10 pm and was unloading things from her car with two children in tow and a maid. Out of a sudden, a stranger came out from the condo and started to tease her children. She was very scared and quickly brought the children back to her house. The maid came downstairs to collect things from the car and she was robbed by the same stranger. Fortunately, he took only the bag with milk powder inside.

Ed called me on the same weekend to inform us that, our friend who stays near my place was robbed when she came home one night. She opened her house gate when a Honda CAV9966 stopped behind her Kenari. Four men came out and one of them was armed with a wooden rod. She started screaming and the men came after her golden bracelet. It was a lucky thing that her neighbours heard her screams and came out to help. Upon seeing this, the bastards took her car keys and her handbag and sped off. It was fortunate that she was not harmed.

A maid who was sweeping the floor in the kindergarten opposite my house was almost raped. She screamed at the top of her lungs and the rapist ran away. The owner then took her to lodge a police report.

Just two weeks ago, when I was away, I heard a disturbing news of one 9 year old girl being raped and thrown off a condominium near my house. Her body was discovered by the security guard who highlighted the maintenance department chief. They called the police. Even though the police station is situated along the road of the said condominium, it took them 30 minutes to arrive after the distress call.

It shows the lacksidle attitude of our enforcement. The criminal might still be around the area if the police had acted swift enough.

A few years ago, when a friend was robbed in front of the now-defunct Embassy Club, she was told to lodge her report as “tercicir” (lost) instead of being robbed. She refused and wanted to lodge a snatch theft report. The police warned her that it might take longer than usual for her to reissue her driving license and IC if she didn’t compromise.

Since she would be going overseas soon and didn’t want this to hinder any process, she relented but with a very heavy heart. She was extremely angry. Not to mention, she was kicked from one police station to another just to make this report even though it happened on Jalan Ampang, they asked her to lodge the report in PJ and only to be sent back to Jalan Dang Wangi. Imagine the stress of losing all your belongings and being kicked like a ball from one place to another.

A few months ago, when my house was burglarized twice the same week, I lodged a police report. The police told me, it’s not uncommon. He even told us a house near ours were just burglared the other day. And yet, they didn’t do anything about it to curb the problem. So, should we just sit at home and wait for this unfortunate thing to happen? And surrender to fate because it’s happening all the time and deem acceptable??

We were already being victimized by the thefts and burglaries and yet, we had to go through the same process of victimization by the police. When the friend lodge report with the police and being asked on the race of the perpetrators, she was snided for being a racist. Even after 50 years of Independence, I was very disappointed that the minds of the people are still not liberated.

If I remember correctly, there was an article in the Star a month ago stating; on the contrary to most people’s beliefs, 80% of the crimes are done by “our own people” trying to imitate the way the foreign workers speak, particularly the Indonesians.

So, why are the police still pointing fingers at foreigners when the victims lodge police report identifying the race of the perpetrators?

It is not important whether which race did more crimes. The multi-racial community in Malaysia must realize that – irregardless of races, a crime had been committed and it had to be dealt with utmost urgency and justice. The crimes did not only affect one community – it affects all.

After the break-ins a few months ago, I haven’t been really sleeping well since. Sometimes, I would wake up late at night and run downstairs to check if all doors are secured.

The criminals are getting bolder and bolder by the day. The police must brush up their lack of sense of urgency to restore some degree of confidence (if any) to the public and make Malaysia a safe place to be.

Back to the Real World

I was tied up with work in the office the past few days. Reports for meetings, letters writing, arranging for flights, stamping of agreements, etc.

With my colleague, we came up with a new nick name for Mr Clear River – my boss. Now, we call him the Road Runner or Beep Beep. Whenever he comes to office, he would bug me – Beep Beep and expects me to do work as fast as the Road Runner could outrun the Coyote. He keeps on beeping on me since I got my ass back to work. It feels good to be in need. Hahahaha.

Morons at work are invading our breathing space again.

Our much “loved” and ever “efficient” travel agency – hired a new staff some six months ago and till today she is still incompetent and clueless. It doesn’t help either that the Godfather’s wife (the Godmother?) wrote us all e-mails to “warn” us to be patient with the new staff.

Isn’t it cool to work with the Godfather? If you are inefficient, we should always be patient with you. After all, patience is virtue. Everybody now – OHMMMMMMMM….

Yesterday, I called this 6 months-not-so-new staff, let’s call her Sotong – to ask her to reschedule a manager’s trip from Moscow to Kuala Lumpur.

She came up with this flight itinerary for him.

BANGKOK TO KUALA LUMPUR Dept 21 Nov 0845 Arrive 21 Nov 1155

MOSCOW TO BANGKOK Dept 21 Nov Time 1820 Arrive 22 Nov 0705

Do you guys manage to spot the wrong in this itinerary?

She is supposed to connect flight on 22 Nov and not 21 Nov! DUH!

I called her to @#$%^&^% her but in a nice way.

Today, I called Sotong again regarding another booking and again – her stupidity strikes. I refused to remember what had transpired because it was ridiculously stupid. I was at my wits’ end. I really wanted to tell her this.

Me: Do you have a knife over there now?

Sotong: Yes… err.. why ah?

Me: Can you please do all of us a big favor by stabbing yourself to death?

Wishful thinking! I seem to have much patience now – more than I could have imagined. That probably explained why I was in such good spirit when I was in Shenzhen – Hong Kong – Macau trip, despite having to deal with the now-famous-Katak.

I wish Dogbert could help to exorcise the demons of stupidity out of this woman!

Mr Yum Kong treated all colleagues some orange swiss roll just now. When he passed a piece of the swiss roll to me, a colleague said – HOME MADE ONE!! Then laughed like a hyena.

I phobia terus!

Remember the terrible diarrhea I had after eating his home made lemon cheesecake?

I decided to tell him that I had terrible diarrhea after eating his home made lemon cheesecake. You would have guessed what he retorted.

“Nobody else had problems! Only you!”

The tea lady was hospitalized and there was a fellow colleague who also had terrible diarrhea but was too nice to complain! I didn’t want to break his heart further.

This sums up my working week and its only Tuesday! It’s good to be back to office to be entertained by demented people.