Guide to Online Dating

A friend told me of the guys she met from an internet dating website. You know what they say about guys and girls on the internet. The guys are usually poorer than what they claim to be and the girls are usually older than they actually are.

Well, this post is not about the woes of internet dating. This post is about the pictures you placed on your profile in internet dating websites in order for others to check you out.

Out of curiosity to check out the members of the opposite sex, I signed up at one internet dating website and began my search. “Woman searching for Men age 33 to 36 with photos in all regions.”

Out came 34 pages of men with photos (If you notice, I didn’t mention the word – eligible and I will let you know why) and there were 510 profiles to choose from. “Plenty!” I heard you say. Listen to my story first.

When I saw the pictures posted, I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know whether to laugh at them or sympathize with them. To put it nicely, I was very amused.

I could see some people made the effort to have their photos taken in studios. At least they turned out to be decent. Some put their vacation pictures, which I think are quite alright. The not-so-decent ones – you could see them in pictures with their top taken off, some could not afford a decent hair cut, some put on pictures meant for obituaries, etc.

To those who were still wondering why nobody would want to date you even if you had paid money to the dating website, do not worry. Here are some of the examples of pictures that you should not put on your profile. If you still insist on putting, don’t blame anyone else but yourself for being dateless.

I simply don’t understand why some of these men would want to put such pictures on their profile. To illustrate, I couldn’t simply put up their pictures here. I might be sued for slander and libel. To protect their anonymity, I decided to put my non-existence drawing skills to test.

The Murderer

When anyone sees this picture, I doubt anyone would click on you. I presumed you took this picture on the day that your bitch (the dog) died and probably you just got out from prison and hastily wanted a shag but cannot afford to pay for one.

The Psycho

Only Albert Einstein looked good in this haircut. Anyone who tried to emulate Mr Einstein’s hairdo without a remarkable scientific findings is doomed to fail to get a date. With this hairstyle, probably you would die shagging a blow-up doll.

The Taliban

With this goatie and massive beard, there is a high possibility that one might mistaken you as a member of the Taliban. Nobody would want to go on a date with you and risks being frisk at the entrance of night spots.

Ah Piao in Pink

Unless you are really macho, take good care of your skin and crown as the undisputed metrosexual guy – no guys are allowed to wear pink! Or if you are a budding Hokkien singer trying to make it big, probably you may be excused but this picture can only be used on your Hokkien CD cover, not dating profile.

Hairy Rambutan

I know having a hairy chest is associated with virility in bed. Probably you would score with girls who look for FUBUs, but not girls who look for genuine relationship. Wait a minute! What real relationship??! This is what online dating is all about anyway! It’s all about getting laid! (and yes, don’t tilt your computer – the picture is really taken side ways)

Pouty Lips

Nobody should pout their lips unless they are as sexy as Mr Bee Stung Lips’. At age 36 – if you are still trying to imitate Marilyn Monroe’s famous lips, nobody would take you seriously.

There you have it. The don’ts for putting up online picture. I guess a recent picture of you on a vacation would be fine. No monkey faces. No topless picture. And for goodness’ sake, don’t try to be sexy if you are not.

Disclaimer: This post is merely for entertainment sake. The subjects mentioned may or may not exist and if they somehow represent a living person, it is purely coincidental and I feel very sorry for you being dateless but at least now, you know why.

P.S. FUBU means F*ck Buddy.

19 thoughts on “Guide to Online Dating

  1. And what’s wrong with Hokkien CD cover version? :P
    If a guy is MAN enough to wear pink, then doesn’t it show confidence? :)

  2. datin: You want the sexy pouty lips ah? Hahah! I think that one – everyone also want a piece of him!

    ml: True worr… especially the Hairy Rambutan.

    Ann: Shy to say but… I was laughing away as I was writing this post.

    jk: Comprehensive leh. So, don’t put a murderer’s face there ok.

    VJ: When a friend mentioned to me, I was totally blur. But then, I figured this out myself. hahahahah.

    zing: Yes. I know you have a lot of Hokkien CD Cover version pictures and DYING to put them up on the internet. Since you are my friend – ok lah. Can be forgiven. I still don’t think men should wear pink unless they have six pecs on their abdomen. You have one pec nia – 5 more to go.

  3. ……Ahaahahah…at least these guys are honest enough to put up real pics of themselves and not doctored versions of macho hunks… :-)

  4. shorthorse: Honesty is the best policy eh? But in this case ah, it’s not lah. If in virtual world also you cannot find date…. I cannot say anything about the person in real life. Hahahah! Terrible me!

  5. Haha.. it’s really a good one and must read.. very funny..

    Frankly I did come across many.. all kind of looks.. Ah Biao look yet they dare to describe themselves as “good looking”.. 5 ft say la 5 ft, but cheated their height as 170cm; when met up then, kept complaining tat I am tall, Deng! I am just 166cm without shoe what.. My fren did share a pic of Taliban guy.. Weird ! Becoz the pic was taken from side angle…

    Well differ ppl have differ judgement on “kecantikan” =P

  6. Oh! So thats what it means. With all of the STDs I would be scared to pick up someone off the internet just for a little wham bam thank ya mam. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about that. So far the shoes are thrown out when I put them in the house. :P

  7. If these guys (or gals) are great looking, guess they wouldn’t resort to internet dating.

    I must say that if they do get hits, at least they know it is genuine. :)

  8. Andrea: Your comment made me laugh till I rolled all over the floor! Don’t worry, no ants were sacrificed in the event! Hahahha! I guess we just have to keep it real. Not to worry! I am sure there will be a suitable person, one day… one day!

    Hahhaa.. uhm… most men look for sex from the internet, no?

    asme: True also lah. But some of my friends are quite good looking. Just that they don’t have time to meet and resort to this way of dating. It’s a dating trend nowadays – everything is online.

  9. *Chuckle* Tis is so funny. Adore your drawings. I don’t fancy guys with bee-stung-lips either, as a matter of fact. Lol. I guess handsome guys does not have the desperation of advertising themselves on these online matchmaking sites. Hence, it’s almost rare that you might find a quality catch there, unless you look pass the outer look.

  10. Kleio: I think Mr Bee Stung Lips is sexy. I think Maurice in Manhunt with thick lips is sexy. Heheheh! I think handsome guys no need to advertise themselves. They will be too busy fending advances from girls!

  11. Yea…agreed totally with you! Generally, these are the”abnormal” crowd we meet online. Guess they do not know the meaning of proper picture or they do not know “picture speaks thousand of words” or…truly they are physco and hoping to meet one! Hmm may be a reminder to all girls, don’t hope too much meeting ideal guy via website.

  12. Patricia: Well, not all hopes are dashed. I heard of good news of friends getting married via meeting people online too! I think it is all fated. So, keep your heart open and use rational mind.

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