I can’t believe I am writing this but I feel that I must.
A few weeks ago, I was down and about regarding my work in the office. I feel that, I’ve been taken for a ride. Not that my boss is not good to me, he’s indeed the best boss anyone could ever have.. but I feel that he doesn’t fight enough for me. Fight for my permanent status for my job, instead of being contracted. I was so angry and pissed that I let all hell broke loose in the office. Haha. Never ever scorn a woman… hell hath no fury….
Coupled with loneliness, I felt my emotions were at the bottom of the barrel. I couldn’t see the light. I was at the verge of depression when my normally positively attitude decided to step up and snap myself out of it. This is not the only job in the world, I was telling myself. I can go and get another job, if they don’t appreciate me! What’s wrong with me man? I guess it’s probably because I’ve felt somewhat complacent after working so many years here. Working so near my home somewhat made me into this really lazy bugger. Haha.
Anyway, I chose not to wallow in self pity or self induced depths of despair. So, I tried to get rid of this feeling of negativity, I decided to join a church service.
For months, my sister has been bringing Ern Ern to church rather regularly to join the Sunday School class. Ern Ern seems to enjoy the class. She could blend in perfectly, the teachers there do not question whether or not you are a member of the church in order to join the Sunday School. Every Sunday, she asked if I want to go to church with her but my laziness set in.
No… I rather sleep I said… and I thought to myself, NO! I don’t like going to church because people always tell you what’s wrong with you and the people surrounding you. I’ve been to churches which preached punishments and rewards. I was so uptight when I was in my teens because of church teachings. I was so adamant that as Christians should behave like this and that, in order to show good example to the world. I rebuke friends who claimed to be Christians but never go to church. I rebuke Christian friends who read up on horoscopes and believing in them! I rebuke this. I rebuke that. Somehow or another, I just got so tired of rebuking and decided to fuck it. I am DONE being a Christian. Christian means no fun. Christian means you will lose all your friends and family members. Christian means you have a license to be a pain in the ass!
I’ve been in and out of church (usually, I only go when I feel my spirit is in a turmoil.. I am selfish like that) throughout the years, since I was baptized by the holy spirit at age 16. I like going to Catholic churches because they are not “in your face”. Most evangelistic churches would come and greet you, welcome you in their family.. and after they know you are a Christian, they would go, “Ok, one down. Next!” Haha. I attended churches because I just want to listen to God’s words, that’s all. Then, as I mature, I feel that, actually, it’s all about your personal relationship with God. It has nothing to do with which denomination you should choose to be closer to God. And it also doesn’t mean that, the bigger your church is, the more guaranteed your place is in heaven, etc. It’s just between you and God.
I went to church on Sunday together with Ern Ern and I proceeded to listen to the sermon. The preacher preached about “God remembers”. I suddenly felt self conscious and felt that, the words were meant for me. Eventhough I’ve been out of touch with God the past 20 years, perhaps this is the time to go back. I felt the spirit ministered to my heart that I need to be in God’s grace once again. I never felt so moved that tears started to stream down my eyes as we sang songs of worship.
I got home and the next day, I saw a friend online. I haven’t spoken to her in ages because she was always too busy. So that day, I didn’t know what got into me, I took the first step to message her to ask her to be careful since Hurricane Sandy would hit NYC soon, where she’s residing. We spoke more and more and eventually, she just shared with me of her own convictions. She told me she’s no longer goes to church but she gets her daily devotion and listening to words of God from this Pastor named Pastor Joseph Prince. I remembered his name. I remember this friend quit her job back in 2004 to attend this church in Singapore on full time basis and I thought she went nuts (at the same time, she learned to salsa!). I refused to go to the church she mentioned because I think it’s too extreme lah. Seriously, at that point of time, I thought she went to a cult church! So I thought of it no more.
Until our conversation on Monday shook my belief. Actually, after church – I was still in doubts of going back to church, I told God to show me more signs. Yes.. self doubt is lack of faith… so… he sent me this friend whom I haven’t spoken to for some time to share with me via gtalk! She started to share how God has spoken to her via Pastor Prince’s sermons and how he managed to interpret the original meaning from Hebrew to today’s English. As I listened, I told her, actually, I asked a sign from God to show me the way and I said to her – “So, God sent you???” and she just laughed.
She told me to google up on Pastor Joseph Prince and I did. I saw on his New Creation Church’s website – Theme of the Year – “Year of Unceasing Fruitfulness”. I listened to his sermons online and was blessed by God’s words:-
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit. Jeremiah 17:7–8
As if these words are still insufficient, again, the kiasu me asked for another sign from God. Just to make sure lah.
So, I flipped the Bible, and somehow, I landed on Psalm 1:1-3
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Then a small voice in my heart told me to look for a bookmark in the Bible (which I’ve neglected over 20 years!). I flipped the pages and found a bookmark written by a friend, 20 years ago during Christmas and it said….
Ya.. I was known as Theresa back then… don’t laugh!
I was overwhelmed by what God had just shown me. First, He said, He remembers… and now, He said, He has always been with me and will always be with me. That night, tears just streamed down my face as I continue to thank God for He has not forsaken me. I’ve been on high the past few days and nights, I spent time studying the scriptures and reviewing what I’ve missed!
I hope and pray that, I will continue to walk in God’s graces and leave all my worries and transgressions to God. How liberating!